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I see through every corner, possibilities hidden in the words
He sees straight for miles – train tracks, likely intent buried beneath
I scatterbrain scatter graph, he charts the line of best fit
We meet somewhere in the middle

Tempestuous melancholy, saturated sugar-sweet
dour bursting rainbow thunderstorm
and I am the eye of it

Bursting dam, well out the way
space to maintain stolid temperance
and spare his human chromatography

I soak in comfort memories, a haze of fuzzy duty
New is cool but old is gold, a heart of beating jewellery
His spark of sudden sensation, electric when it’s near
But constant concrete concernment, a consequence of fear
I rankle over reputation though I know I need not care
He architects his premises, and builds them into stairs

Yes this piece turned into an INFX functions experiment. Enjoy.

This is how I win

The greatest bang for your buck in personal development is probably to develop your parent function, which in my case is Ne, or extroverted intuition. I always thought I used it pretty well. I use it well enough to get along with strangers in one-on-one situations. It’s exciting in small comfortable house party settings.

My siblings (who’ve been looking into MBTI typing much longer than me) originally had me pegged as an ENFP because I express my Ne-ness a LOT more around them. And then I realised they have a skewed perception of me, which is kinda interesting but whatever. I’m always trying to align schedules to pull off some new event-type activity. If I don’t, who else will? (Genuine answer: probably none of them) I just took it to be my duty as the eldest sibling. Somebody has to open up the game.

My sisters recently said they couldn’t wrap their heads around my Ne function and how it pertains to me. Moreso than reigning in my hero Fi (introverted feeling), it seems to operate in its own little disassociated bubble. And they’re… sort of not wrong. It’s like I have my general personality, and if somebody engages optimistically or indulges me, I switch into this giddy alter-ego. Like I switched up a few gears. Doing it feels powerful, and energising (and later, also exhausting). It’s me at my best. You should see me on fucking holiday man.

I’m definitely good at using it for the things I use it for. Brainstorming. Learning and theorising and understanding. Making connections. Deconstructing stuff. Making things align. And I use it a fair amount.

But I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually developing it though. Using ≠ maturing. Janna said developing your parent function is supposed to be difficult, because the orientation of the function is the opposite of your preferred hero function. But I don’t find what I currently do difficult anymore.

I need to push out more often again, out of my comfort zone. I did the first hard part in nailing myself down to a schedule. But now I need to make greater space within it for more spontaneity and new ‘new’s. Specifically in the uncomfortable ways I’ve considered but never bother with. I need to put myself out there. I need to work on public speaking. I need to compete. I need to stop stopping every time people bail on the things I want to do.

Quite frankly, I have to make my peace with the fact my loved ones don’t need to experience all the world’s interesting goodies with me. Especially when they don’t seem to appreciate the efforts or seem to need the experience as much as me. It gets tiring generating fresh enthusiasm and being shot down when the constant effort doesn’t feel like it’s ever reciprocated. And usually it’s me footing the bulk (or substantial portion) of the bill to boot.

In the same manner, I used to organise things with old groups of friends too, but I got tired of working around constant pushbacks, set-asides and excuses. So I stopped bothering, to my own detriment. Now I let others plan and I just make sure to turn up (and turn up 🔥 ).

But I digress.

The point is my Ne is dope and useful but I need to push it to mature it further. In common BJJ parlance, I have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. That’s how I beat failure-to-launch syndrome. It’s how I push back against the shrinking comfort zone. It’s how I get a handle on risk. It’s how I win.

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